Upcoming Movies I'm Not Going To See
Live Free or Die Hard - The fourth entry in the Die Hard franchise, Live Free focuses on John McClane's attempts to bring down some kind of internet hacker/terrorist group (I don't know about you, but I've just been dying to see that particular mid-90's cliché plottline recycled) amongst a littany of insultingly rediculous stunts, alongside that swarmy little cunt who plays Mac in Apple's Mac/PC series of commercials. With a little luck, McClane will finally die hard, like the old guy in Clerks. Step one: get stiffy. Step two: shoot self in face.
Spider-Man 3 - Remember that scene in Spider-Man 2 where a three-year-old pulls Peter Parker, a fully-grown man, up out of a pit of fire? So... Yeah.
Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End - It only took a single one of those Pirates of the Carribean-obsessed teenage girls to turn me off to the entire franchise before I had even seen the first one. I actually heard the second one was so bad that it reminded John McCain of a nightmare he had WHILE HE WAS STILL IN A VIETNAMESE FUCKING PRISON!
Fantastic Four Two - Since it's probably not a sequel to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I'm probably not going to see it. Besides, I liked Jessica Alba better when she wasn't making enough money to eat or live in general. I loved Sin City, but I bet she was on the brink of death from starvation when Robert Rodriguez called her up. Fuck. And, for those of you saying that because James Cameron, who has all that Titanic money, made Dark Angel, which had starred Jessica Alba, that somehow that means Jessica Alba has a lot of money from Dark Angel, well, just a hint for all of you: it takes a lot of money to find a common, ancient grave and convince idiots that it's the tomb of someone who probably didn't exist in the first place*.
Evan Almighty - Whoo-hoo, another Jim Carrey-less sequel! With the guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin, no less! You know, the one from The Daily Show who couldn't even play more then one type of satirical news correspondent! This is going to be great. I'm going to wear my Son of the Mask t-shirt and my Dumb and Dumberer haircut/missing tooth combo, and get a big thing of popcorn and just PIG OUT! Pass.
The Brazilian Job - Is justification even needed for not seeing this?
April 31st, 2007 Edit: Shrek 3 - Justin Timberlake.**
In conclusion, here's a random plug for a podcast I have nothing to do with about movies, television, and Hollywood in general:
A Fistful of Reviews.com - Podcasts
*Hell, considering he didn't exist, why did his bones have to rise to heaven? Why couldn't they have flown to Outworld to do battle with Shao Kahn? That would be far cooler than any of that omnipotence shit. Just a thought.
**End of April 31st, 2007 edit.
Spider-Man 3 - Remember that scene in Spider-Man 2 where a three-year-old pulls Peter Parker, a fully-grown man, up out of a pit of fire? So... Yeah.
Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End - It only took a single one of those Pirates of the Carribean-obsessed teenage girls to turn me off to the entire franchise before I had even seen the first one. I actually heard the second one was so bad that it reminded John McCain of a nightmare he had WHILE HE WAS STILL IN A VIETNAMESE FUCKING PRISON!
Fantastic Four Two - Since it's probably not a sequel to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I'm probably not going to see it. Besides, I liked Jessica Alba better when she wasn't making enough money to eat or live in general. I loved Sin City, but I bet she was on the brink of death from starvation when Robert Rodriguez called her up. Fuck. And, for those of you saying that because James Cameron, who has all that Titanic money, made Dark Angel, which had starred Jessica Alba, that somehow that means Jessica Alba has a lot of money from Dark Angel, well, just a hint for all of you: it takes a lot of money to find a common, ancient grave and convince idiots that it's the tomb of someone who probably didn't exist in the first place*.
Evan Almighty - Whoo-hoo, another Jim Carrey-less sequel! With the guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin, no less! You know, the one from The Daily Show who couldn't even play more then one type of satirical news correspondent! This is going to be great. I'm going to wear my Son of the Mask t-shirt and my Dumb and Dumberer haircut/missing tooth combo, and get a big thing of popcorn and just PIG OUT! Pass.
The Brazilian Job - Is justification even needed for not seeing this?
April 31st, 2007 Edit: Shrek 3 - Justin Timberlake.**
In conclusion, here's a random plug for a podcast I have nothing to do with about movies, television, and Hollywood in general:
A Fistful of Reviews.com - Podcasts
*Hell, considering he didn't exist, why did his bones have to rise to heaven? Why couldn't they have flown to Outworld to do battle with Shao Kahn? That would be far cooler than any of that omnipotence shit. Just a thought.
**End of April 31st, 2007 edit.
posted by Ecksem Diem at Monday, April 30, 2007
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