Grand Theft Auto IV

The Grand Theft Auto IV trailer came out on Friday. Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo. I was told that GTA4 would be a new evolution in the series. My achin' ass. Evolution, in terms of GTA, is not graphical, and it's not even in the variety of ways you can maim and murder people. It is two things. Firstly, it is the size of the world. Secondly, and more importantly, it is the variety of the people you maim and murder, and I simply didn't see much more variety in the trailer then what was in GTA:SA. GTA4 is not true evolution. True evolution in terms of the GTA series would have been children and retards. If I can't throw a grenade in a baby carriage or run into a Wal-Mart and blow away a couple of 'tards and fat chicks, well, it just isn't an evolution for GTA.

Another question I have: where are all the fucking cripples? GTA4 will simply not be a complete gaming experience if I can't knock some schmuck in a wheelchair on his back with a well-placed shotgun blast. Bloodlust aside, having babies (in their carriages) in the game would be a definite plus, as it would allow Rockstar to blatantly steal yet another cinematic crime drama staple: the climactic scene from The Untouchables. Sure, stealing the entire premise and various plot shifts from Scarface was great, but God damn it, I want to be forced to make the moral decision between saving a baby in a carriage that's rolling down the steps of a train station, continuing to shoot the cocksucker across from me, or taking the high road and shooting the mother.

Now, all this talk of mothers and babies brings up another quip I have with the game: no pregnant women. This is definitely something that GTA4 will need to have. And not just women ready to burst. I mean women in eight different stages of pregnancy, so if you run over a woman who isn't visibly pregnant yet, you get credit for two kills, but you only get in trouble for one! Think of how much fun it would be to wander around hunting for pregnant women with just a tiny, little, barely noticable bump!*

I suppose the overall point I'm trying to make here is that GTA4 desperately needs Rain Man taking one between the eyes. Well, that and infanticide. Lots and lots of it.

P. S. - If we get my wish for pregnant women in GTA4, perhaps we could get some really cool, deformable physics.

P. P. S. - Some people have told me that this article is completely over-the-top, but I'm just acting in everyone's best interests: we all want to see more compelling gameplay.

*Be certain to back up over her to make sure she's dead!